Freedom Is My Song!

I had the opportunity to go to IHOP on Friday, March 12, 2010 for the weekend. No, I am not talking about pancakes here. I'm talking about experiencing God in Kansas City, Missouri at the International House of Prayer (IHOP). For those of you not familiar with IHOP, it's a place dedicated to pursuing a relationship, rather than a religion, with your Creator. IHOP's Prayer Room has been seeking God literally 24/7 since it began in 1999. My friend, Julia, from Wisconsin invited me to go to IHOP with a group of girls. I knew God wanted me there, and I also knew even if I didn't want to go--I needed to go.

I'd been burdened for so long, weary in my spirit, and my heart, so broken. I'd been feeling a stirring for some time, and I knew there were certain things in my life I no longer could hold onto. If I didn't surrender everything to the Almighty, I'd never be free, or happy. My depression, my pain, memories--everything was rooted so deep, that I needed God to radically touch me. I had a huge need for the trip, and expected God to do a great work in me.
When we arrived at the Awakening service Friday night, I easily entered into worship. The presence of God was so strong and I felt Him touch me. I kept pressing on during worship, and preparing myself. I prayed, surrendering everything to God. There is no hiding in God's presence. It's silly to think I could keep even one thing from Him.
Probably the biggest wound in me was from my seven year on again/off again relationship with Marc. I could never let go and wholly get over him. The abuse, the spoken words, the memories--tortured me. I also carried hurt from other romantic relationships in my past. Another big pain for me was connected to my parents, specifically my father, and also my parent's marriage. I could go on and on about how deep the pain was, but the fact is-God desired to heal me of this all.
During worship, I just kept worshipping and talking to God. Giving it all to Him, surrendering all my junk at His feet. No part of me desired to hang onto ANY part of the past anymore, not even to an ex-boyfriend.
People began approaching me and praying for me while the Spirit was ministering to me. Every person who prayed for me Friday night, just had a divine connection to God. They began prophesying and the Holy Spirit began busting me open. My wounds were so deep. I hated myself. I thought I was ugly inside and out. I felt unlovable. I felt stupid. I felt like I actually deserved to suffer. I felt like all the wrongs from my past were my fault. There was so much pain, shame, guilt, sin. I knew in my heart God loved me, but my own pain kept me from being able to believe and actually receive that love.
Every person who prayed & prophesied over me, the theme was God's love. God loves me. ME! He thinks I am beautiful. He is proud of me. He even takes PLEASURE in me. ME! Someone was praying & God said "You are NOT too much!" My whole life people, friends, boyfriends, relatives-- have always said that I'm too much, whether it be my personality, my laugh, my weight, my dreams. The devil had me believing that lie that I was too much. Because I believed that lie, I always tried to tone down my laugh or my personality, thinking that no one could really handle who I am. But now I am being rocked to the core because MY GOD is saying I am NOT too much! He made me who I am! He likes who I am!
People began praying for God to heal my heart's hurts: the abuse, the heartbreak, the curses, the abandonment, the words spoken to me, the self-hatred, the rejection, the lies of the devil, the war waged over my life, my low self-esteem, depression, the memories. I was so broken and just wept and wept as God washed my spirit.
At one point a young guy who had been exuberantly worshipping up front earlier, came over to me and brought me tissues. I was crying so hard I had mascara all over my cheeks, down my neck and my nose was running. I was hard to breathe at times. This guy brought me tissues, put his hand on my shoulder and began to intercede on my behalf. That simple gesture broke me because in my whole life, I've never had a guy treat me with such gentle, sweet tenderness. He noticed I was crying. He brought me tissues. He prayed for me. That literally was the nicest thing any man has ever, ever done for me, and a stranger, none the less! I felt God moving as he prayed. He kept saying how God created me to be a beautiful princess and that's what I am.
Each person who prayed for me, I felt God going deeper, deeper to the root of all the pain. This was full on deliverance, and God was getting it all out of my system. It was so painful, yet beautiful at the same time. A husband and wife came to pray for me. They prayed against the enemy's attack on my life, and broke of the lies and curses that stopped me from feeling God's love. They also said God's given me a creativity and I need to pursue writing more.
I was weeping so hard and the wife wanted me to look at her, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I must have looked like such a mess with mascara all down my cheeks, my eyes red from crying. She looked me in the eye and kept telling me how beautiful I was physically. I could hardly believe it! She kept telling me over and over how lovely and beautiful I was. She said I reminded her of her own daughter, and that she would be proud to call me hers.  That anyone would be proud to have me! There was such a authenticity in what she said to me. Then she said, "The Lord is saying to you: Things CAN change, and WILL change."

Each prayer that was raised up, tore a chunk out of my internal pain. The digging and de-rooting God was doing was SO intense. I cried for so long. In the time people were praying for me and while I was crying, God had me relive & revisit so many of the past hurts. This deliverance was so beautiful. I spent a lot of time allowing the Holy Spirit to deal with all the junk I'd been holding on to. Finally, I felt the tears stop and I just felt like a white, blank slate and knew later in the evening, and through the weekend God was going to fill me up with His awesome spirit!
After the intense deliverance earlier in the night, I realize that because I chose to give God a sacrifice, I chose to surrender everything, He totally healed me, delivered me from bondage! The worship team began to play the song "Joyful, Joyful" & I entered into worship, purely amazed at the great work God had done in me! The part in the song goes "I've got the joy" & I just felt God's presense all around me and I fully felt the Master's JOY! I felt true joy, based on the Father's love. I'm not talking about the sense of joy when you kiss a boyfriend or the happiness of eating a big piece of chocolate cake. I'm talking REAL JOY of the Spirit!!!! As I danced and worshipped, I felt the joy pulse through all of me, all of those empty places begin to fill, fill, fill up!! Every time I jumped up and down, I felt all those strongholds coming down, down, down--I felt satan under MY feet!
I've never know that pure joy from the Father. There was such an intensity and urgency in the drinking of this joy that I felt overwhelmed (in a good way) by the Lord. The bondage was broken from my life and I was able to enter into worship with a heart of gladness, dance in a joy I've never know, and interact with God in such an undignified, beautiful way. My grave clothes were gone, and now I was getting so drunk on this new wine! Thank you Jesus!!!! How awesome it is to spend time in God's presense.
At the end of the night as I continued to worship the Father, I had more people pray for me and deposit such truths into my spirit! Someone was praying saying "You often feel like you're missing the target, but the Lord is saying that it's about the journey." They went on to say that I am chosen, that I didn't choose Him, but that God chose me! That's hard to believe, but it's true!
Someone was praying saying that God takes such joy in me, and is so proud of me and the decisions I've chose recently for my life to pursue purity, to abandon all things from my past. One to two weeks before I went to IHOP, I knew God wanted me to expel some people and sins in my life. In obedience and to show Him how serious I was, I collected the objects of my past life and wrapped it in three seperate garbage bags. On the bags, I wrote "Freedom", "Loosed", and "In the name of Jesus". I threw them in the garbage and made a declaration to God to seek Him and let go of things and people in my life that were distracting and hindering my Walk. At IHOP when this person was praying for me, I knew this was EXACTLY what was being talked about. I cried and cried realizing how I made this sacrifice for God & for eternity, and it blew me away. Years ago, even months ago, I wasn't strong enough to make this big of a sacrifice for God. So, knowing God brought me to a place of total surrender, then knowing how much it pleased Him, and how proud He was of me, set my heart ablaze!!!! Glory to God!

Another healing I believe God did and I claim, is a physical one. For many years I have had a very irregular menstrual cycle. In twelve months time, I may only have four cycles. This subject matter has given me stress and worry, because I have a great desire to be a mother someday. The enemy has definitely messed with my mind over this, taunting me that I will have reproductive problems someday. So during the Awakening services, I began asking God to heal my body, whatever the cause, and to regulate my sporadic cycle. I presence of God was so strong, that I had such great faith God would heal me! When I came back from Kansas City, all of a sudden my cycle began! So, I am thanking God, believing, claiming & declaring that my body is HEALED from this irregularity! Satan can not feed me those lies or worry my mind anymore. Agree with me in prayer that God has washed me clean and healed me in His name!!


The rest of the weekend, I walked in such a joy, knowing how much God accepts and loves me. He continued to fill me up, and hasn't stopped. Something God gave me insight to is that in the past, in worship, I really only ever lifted my hands in praise, with my arms bent, at elbow length. After God delivered me Friday night, I felt the freedom to raise my hands, stretching my arms above my shoulders, up to the Heavens! I've done that in the privacy of my own home, but never felt the freedom to do so in public. God revealed to me that He broke off my prison chains and bondage that held back from fully worshipping because the burden was so great. Now the chains are broken off, and I can fully extend my arms in jubilation! Praise God!!!
God told me, "There is a love. It's open, and just for you. Come and experience all I have in store for you. There is no condemnation in this perfect love!" I felt so enwrapped in God's love with that message He had for me! I've never know that love and that acceptance! Wow!! There are no limits on God, there are no restrictions on God. He can move however He desires to. It can be through holy laughter, it can be through music, it can be through quiet prayer. I'm going to live with eyes wide open in wonder of my Master, not putting rules or regulations on how He chooses to move. He rocked me to my core in a pretty wild way, but I needed that radical touch from Him!
Last April, God had begun a work in me where I got a glimpse at this freedom and this deliverance. I relapsed and took the sin back, and all the hurt that accompanied it. I think the Lord allowed that to happen and I praise Him for that. For at this point, none of me wants anything or anyone from my past. Last year, I wanted to move forward, but there was a part of me that wanted to hold on. That piece that wanted to hold on, indeed did, which led me to this point. So, now when God went digging through the pain, I believe He took it ALL. I wanted it all gone, and it is, AMEN!
God really has done this great miracle in my life, and I am totally amazed! For so long, I was cursed, bound, holding onto sin & past hurts, unable to move forward. All of my being wanted God to heal me, and He indeed set me free!
Never in a million years could my brain conceive a life without Marc. The heartbreak was so deep that I felt like it was an affliction that I would have to endure and actively grieve for my whole life. I always gave into the temptation and began talking to him again, restarting the toxic cycle. This poisonous addiction is BROKEN in the name of Jesus and is in my past! Satan can't torture me any longer.
I really feel like I'm walking in a newness in the Lord that I've never known. I am free to LIVE, I no longer need to hide in shame. The Maker of the Heavens and the Earth loves and desires me. I was so desperate for God to change me, to heal me, and praise the Lord, I let everything go! The sin, shame, guilt, abuse, curses, memories, broken promises, shattered dreams, disappointments, dysfunctional relationships, soul ties, insecurities, bondage, self-hatred, impurities, depression--everything, I surrendered to God. Jesus already paid the price for me, calls me forgiven, calls me blessed! I actively choose to be free, happy, whole, and thriving! Never again will I return to my past, for I am a new being in Christ. I refuse to go deep sea diving again; I will not get mixed up in my past life. I am set free, delivered, I am different. I cannot go back to that prison, that darkness. I am delivered by the hand of the Lord!!!

Dear God, I LOVE YOU! Thank you for giving me LIFE and thank you for healing me and delivering me from the pain, the past, the hurts, the abusive relationships--everything. I feel NEW! You are such a great great God. Right now, I claim JOY for my life. The past is the past and it will not torment me any further! AMEN! Satan has NO hold over my life! I am blessed beyond the curse!