The last time I had seen ex boyfriend, Marc, had been March 2011. He hurt me, and we stopped talking. When summer came, he wanted to see me on several occasions, and I successfully declined. But, this time he found out I was going to be in Wisconsin, he invited me to one of his music gig's. A few days before the visit, him and I talked on the phone and he admitted he actually did love me--something he hadn't said in a very long time. I wanted to believe he had changed, and that he meant what he said. So, I decided while in WI, my mom and I would attend his show. Let me say that I don't regret that decision. It was my judgement call, and ultimately led to a hidden blessing. More on that later.
My mom and I had a fun time at the show. The music was good, and we enjoyed ourselves. After the show, Marc texted me and picked me up so we could hang out. He was acting sweet, telling me how much he missed me, blah blah. He was trying to play into my emotions so he could get what he wanted. He said he'd like to hang out the next night and I agreed. When I got back to the hotel, I was feeling "lovesick". I told my mom I still had strong feelings for him, despite our rocky past. My naive heart wanted to believe this time could be different.
Before I met up with him that night, I got the chance to hang out with my friend, Jeb, who I hadn't seen or talked to in three years. (It almost didn't happen...wow, I would have missed out on a big blessing!) I always had a special connection with Jeb, & I really enjoyed his company. In our conversation, I could clearly see how God had been working in his life, big time. In the three years we hadn't talked, he had spiritually matured A LOT! It was so attractive and so exciting to hear him speak about progress he'd made in his Walk and how he'd been pursuing a pure lifestyle to please God. When I talked, Jeb listened intently, and showed so much compassion! He even came over to my side of the table and gave me a spontaneous hug! Everything he was saying, were things I wished ...Marc would say, feel, believe. Jeb was an example of a man of God, pursuing integrity. Jeb didn't even realize it, but the Holy Spirit was convicting me and began stirring up my heart during our visit. I had such a wonderful time with Jeb, I wasn't even excited about seeing Marc again.
When Marc picked me up that night, he was in a bad mood. I was nervous, but I knew I had to confront him. The night before, I felt sucked in, emotionally by him--but after talking with Jeb, confrontation was my only option. Let me say that I loathe confrontation. I avoid it, at all costs. But, I was stirred up so much, I couldn't avoid this conversation. It had to happen.
Jeb's example of integrity and a desire to please God, was my push to confront Marc. I knew I wanted to be with someone like Jeb, with his convictions and beliefs on relationships. I told Marc how hard it was for me, to be on again/off again with him for eight years and asked if he wanted to be with me, committed. I said I couldn't keep waiting around for him to make up his mind; I couldn't kept my heart or life on pause anymore. I said I thought I could make him happy. Well... we talked and he just thought I was a joke. He told me he didn't see us ever getting back together. I told him to take me back to the hotel. This had to be goodbye, no more playing around. The car ride back to my hotel was painful.
When we got to the hotel parking lot, I tried to leave quick, but he wanted to talk this out once and for all. I was crying, an emotional basket case. Since there was no future with him, I certainly didn't want to stay in the car and discuss things that didn't matter anymore, but I humored him. We talked and he didn't understand why this was so hard on me. HAHAHAHA. Well, lets see. I thought I loved him so deeply, for eight years of my life. We had been through so much, and I'd always been able to forgive him easily. There was just something about him that I couldn't shake. No matter how many times I'd tried in the past, no matter how many tears, countless prayers, laying on my face screaming out to God "take it all away"...I had still never gotten over him. I thought it was impossible! I thought I would always love him, I thought he'd always have my heart. It was beyond my brain capacity to imagine living without him.
...How did Marc respond to that? He had the nerve to try to console me, by saying he knew EXACTLY how I felt. Really!? He began describing in details how he felt exactly the same way...FOR SOMEONE ELSE! He told me how he'd fallen for a girl he (supposedly) was no longer in contact with, and how it ached that he couldn't get over her! Are you f'ing serious? That's supposed to be comforting? What? I felt a verbal slap in the face, and a grenade to my heart. What he said, in no way, shape or form comforted me, all it did was severely diminish my feelings. It devalued everything I felt to be authentic, and cheapened everything I thought we had.
I now had a holy anger burning inside of me. It was over, and his confession completely wiped away any affection I ever thought I had for him. His words were so disgusting as they bombed my heart. I tried getting out of the car, but he wanted to finish talking!! Next came the most patronizing words I've ever heard! He told me how I was suuuuuch a great girl and that he knew I'd find someone great. Then he teased me that I shouldn't get so upset and cry so hard over this. He even had the nerve to say he hoped we could have occasional contact; saying he wanted to "check in" with each other on holidays and birthdays. YEAH RIGHT! I CUT THE CORD!
We got out of the car, it had been pouring rain the whole time. I was crying so hard, in shock of what was happening. We said goodbye and hugged. I stood in the rain, in disbelief. He drove away. I spent the next couple hours, crying in the hotel bathroom. The fact that we had a great time, the night before--made it so much harder. When I woke up the next morning, my eyes felt like sandpaper, and my heart was flooded with hurts.
When I got back to Iowa, I just felt numb. I texted some friends that I was going through something rough and needed prayers. I deleted my Facebook account for a week and shut my phone off. Funny how Facebook makes your own life worse, seeing how great and perfect everyone else's life is! I didn't want to talk to anyone about this. I certainly didn't want to tell this story of how I experienced the ultimate rejection. Most of all, I didn't want to hear the multitude of "I told you so's". I couldn't handle that being thrown in my face while my heart was grieving. So, I shut down emotionally.
Following, were some dark days. I felt such devastation over what happened to me, such disgust at the thought of Marc, and so much despair in my heart and mind. I felt unlovable, like, I tried giving my love to someone for so many years, all in vain. He mutilated my heart, time and time again, but this was the last time I'd ever let him hurt me.
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| Me & Karen |
I was supposed to visit with Brenda in Wisconsin, but I cancelled our plans after everything. I couldn't face her, the morning after what happened. She was so sweet and worried about me. She decided to visit me, that next weekend. We went out to dinner, shared a hotel, shared laughs and secrets, created great memories. It was soothing for my soul. It meant so much that she cared for me and made a road trip to see me. As long as I live, I'll never forget what she did for me, being there for me. I love you BrenLee!
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| Brenda & I |
My friend Danielle in New York, gave me incredible advice during this time. What she said was hard to swallow, but it was true and it meant so much. Her words penetrated my pain, and allowed me to actually consider a future without him!
Also, wise Dereck, helped me immensely. Through the whole thing, he was the realest, no bullshitter. His advice was to hang on to my anger and hate because that would be my closure. I did exactly that. I wasn't reminiscing 'bout them good times, 'cause honey, I don't remember having any!!!
I've wanted to share this for quite some time, but felt uneasy being so transparent and open with my struggles. But, I believe that my pain wasn't in vain, because I have to believe God allowed me to go through this, so that I can help minister to someone in a similar situation someday. And, not sharing this story, is like "hiding" what God has done...and instead, I want to testify!!
Looking back, remembering Marc tell me he felt the same way I did, but for someone else--that was IT for me. That was MY moment of closure. That was the most heartless, disgusting, shitty, meanest thing he could ever, ever say to me. It hurt like hell, but I thank God. His words, cutting and abrasive, were a hidden blessing. You see, him and I had broken up a thousand times before! Over the years, it was just something we did: we'd break up. Then talk again. Then not talk. Then talk. It was a nasty cycle, that seemed unending. I'd sought deliverance on many occasions and God did heal me on multiple accounts. The difference was, I chose not to walk it out. God can heal you, but you're not transformed by that deliverance, until you choose to walk it out. It's a choice. God healed me in the past, but I got curious, and CHOSE to allow Marc back into my life. No matter how many people told me, no matter how many times he broke my heart, I just couldn't say "enough is enough". I didn't move on until I was ready. Thinking about letting go is very scary, but actually letting go is such a beautiful thing....
I laugh now, thinking about this past September when he destroyed my heart! God knew exactly what it would take, to put me in a position to FINALLY let go. It was SO dramatic, dark, cold, the rain was pouring, saying goodbye forever! It was perfect. That's the night, I submitted to God's healing powers. My pain was, the healing. I thank God for using Jeb, who gave me that push to confront Marc.
From day one, my relationship with him, was toxic. I was so blinded by what I thought was love. It clearly was not, anything, remotely close to love. But, it was my lesson I had to learn. I believe now, having gone through this, I will love deeper, appreciate the little things that much more, and always, always be thankful to God for my blessings.
God allowed my heart to be broken, smashed, dashed, destroyed--but when the healing came, little by little, He restored! I can't tell you how insanely good it feels that my heart is FREE! The chains are broken, baby! My heart no longer belongs to someone who doesn't deserve it! My heart is free and it's so exhilarating! I'm looking forward to experiencing real love, but until then, just the fact that my heart doesn't belong to Marc, is enough to excite me!
Along with the healing, I've noticed some REALLY remarkable changes in me, AMEN! Along this journey, I've noticed God has been distancing my heart from Marc. I can feel it. It's like, now, when I try to think of him, I don't know what to think. It's like, he's a stranger to me... like I don't know him at all. And I just feel further and further away from him, and to me--that's confirmation that my closure is set in stone! Hallelujah!
Another aspect of that, is that in the past, we'd say goodbye, but then always end up talking again. I am so certain that's not happening this time! Whenever I do think of him, it's not sweet, heartwarming things. I don't recall happy, joyful memories with him. I simply don't. I used to, but I'm unable to...anymore. It's like, he was so utterly heartless, that it took any sweetest and replaced it with bitterness. I can't remember happy times with him, because I only see the bad ones, now.
It's still weird, to think of never seeing or talking to Marc again. After all, he was someone I considered to be important. But, I thank God for the closure I have. Someday I hope I can genuinely wish goodness to come Marc's way. Honestly, I'm not to that point yet..but it's a journey. (and I'm being honest!)
