I Need Some Sexual Healing

It seems like in the secular world, everyone wants to talk about sex, yet in the church, it's an uncomfortable topic.  The message I got growing up was only abstinence, totally neglecting to address those who needed healing from their sexual past (or current going-ons).  As I grow in my Walk, I realize more and more how much I want to live a life that pleases the Master.  I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over just because I know grace is offered and I'll be forgiven.  I desire to love Him rightly.  Not just when people can see me, but especially when I'm alone, when I'm in my thoughts...I want to be robed in purity and not engage in former sinful acts.  I wish everyone also had this revelation and conviction.

As a teen, I envisioned my place in this world as a wife and mother, and all I thought about was when it that would happen for me, I'd be complete.  The guys I dated didn't deserve my time, but I've never known my own worth.  I haven't had a father who doted after me and thought I was a princess.  I realize now how that's shaped me and my dating behaviors.  Daddy didn't love me or treat me right, so let me go and find some loser guys who will do the exact thing, because that's what I'm used to, right?  That's all I'm good for, right?

I dated guys who claimed to love God, yet didn't know how to show me anything honorable, or remotely close to respect.  I was even in a long-term relationship with  a worship leader, who wanted to "sin now, repent later".  I can't even express with words the mutilation of my heart and how I've been abused, used, mistreated, deceived...only God knows how deeply I've been wounded.

So, I mentioned before I'm in a group on Facebook called "No More Milk For Free".  I saw a video posted on there, called Sexual Healing.  (I'll put the link below for anyone wanting to watch the video)  The video is a spoken-poem by Jefferson Bethke.  He's talking about our social norms as it applies to sex, relationships, the media's influences, and ultimately, where our real pleasure should lie, in Jesus Christ.

I started the video and immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me and I instantly had goosebumps ("Godbumps").  I was getting hit with truth after truth after truth, and the tears were rolling down my eyes.  I know in my heart that God inspired this poem and anointed it, and I believe I was meant to hear it.  Because it's shaken me up, awakening so much.

First of all, I've got to applaud the writer, Jefferson Bethke for sharing this because I believe the video is challenging so many false beliefs out there.  You know, how many young guys are standing strong and speaking out about purity like this?  Lots of guys instead, brag about the number of girls they've had, etc.  That's why this poem is so refreshing.  It's honest and true, and I commend any guy who can allow himself to be vulnerable and transparent and used by God.  I thank God for Jeff and his willingness to speak this message that God gave him.

Like I said, the video just floored me; I was blown away!  One part is talking about guys who pressure girls, and how she wants love, but settles for lust.  I was just like, man..that's me.  I'm that girl.  Wanted so badly to be loved, yet ended up getting hurt more.  A long term relationship I was in, whenever I told him I loved him, he never said it back.  He never told me he loved me, unless he wanted to get me in bed.  His idea of foreplay was called deception.  As in, " 'I love you', let's sin".  But after, he was as cold as a stonewall.  He didn't want to hold my hand, or talk.  His indifference towards me, made me feel like I was unlovable, worthless, like the girl spoken about in the poem.

A line in the poem that really stood out to me and hit me profoundly talks about God's goodness.  "He heals us from that sin that totally infects us, He does what condoms can't, He EMOTIONALLY PROTECTS US."  Wow, what a thought.  Sure, condoms protect against STD's and unwanted pregnancies, but they don't protect against sin, or heartache.  But God does.  That's such an incredible revelation, wow!

I want my future relationship to be centered on God and cloaked in purity.  I don't want to indulge in the flesh any longer, it's too high of an emotional price and God is calling me to pursue purity in every aspect of my life.  But, I still have a ways to go because I still need to be delivered from the pain and rejection of the past.

The way guys have treated me, brainwashed me.  The idea that I could date a guy who would find value in my heart and mind (not just my body), is beyond my comprehension.  Even bigger yet, that a guy could love me before ever having sex?  I believe that seeing Jeff's heart for God and and how far he's come from, was a gift from God.  God used the video to show me that the scenario of a guy loving and respecting me is POSSIBLE!  If God has fashioned Jeff's heart this way, then surely there are others like him!

I can't express how this video ministered to me and mega super duper blessed me.  Praise the Lord.  Now, I feel like if I ever have a weak moment where I'd consider getting back together with an ex, it won't get that far.  I'll declare 'NO' and think of the video, and refuse to settle again.  That's powerful!  Obviously, I recommend everyone to watch this video; you will get something out of it.  For girls like me who have been in abusive relationships, this video is sure to renew the hope in your heart that God has someone out there who will treat you how you deserve.  Jeff is living proof, that God can change any heart and transform it from old to new!

PRAYER:  Father God, I thank You for giving Jeff the holy boldness needed to deliver this message.  I ask Lord that this video would impact this generation and Your Holy Spirit would cause men all over to love and respect the women in their life, rightly.  Rise up men of integrity, men who are more interested in pleasing You Lord, than seeking pleasure from their fleshly desires.

This Side of Heaven - Book Review

Honestly, I don't read a lot of books.  Not to say I'm bad at reading, I just usually gravitate to online articles, blogs, or magazines.  Last year I read a novel by Karen Kingsbury, who is a bestselling author of Christian books.  I recently finished another of her books, This Side of Heaven.

The plot centers around the Warren family, and how secrets will be revealed.  The parents, Annie and Nate, are successful, and way disappointed in their son, Josh.  He's in his twenties, disabled from an accident and waiting for his settlement to come in.  There is a chance that Josh has a daughter, Savannah, half across the country--but his parents won't consider the possibility of that being true.  Will Josh ever get his settlement?  Will he ever find out if Savannah is his?  Would his parents ever be proud of him?  How will God move in this family?

I did relate to Josh Warren.  He's a dreamer, but held back by circumstances.  His life is miserable and all his time is spent waiting, waiting, waiting for his settlement check.  Like the song goes, he is just waiting for his real life to begin.  Josh's parents love him, but are severely disappointed that he never did anything great with his life.  They are embarrassed when people ask how he's doing.  Sigh.  I relate to Josh.  I'm a dreamer, I probably have too many dreams...and I do feel my circumstances don't enable me to achieve them.  I also relate to the waiting theme.  I feel like my life is one big wait, like I'm at the back of a huge line, waiting, waiting, just waiting.  And I also, think my parents probably feel that way about me at least in part.  I mean, yes, I did graduate from college, but haven't done much else with my life.  Since Josh & I had so much in common, I became emotionally attached to his character and wanted to see how he'd turn out.

For anyone wanting to read this book, you've got to be a trooper.   The first few chapters are hard to get into, but if you keep reading, it does get better.  The beginning chapters focus on the main character communicating on Facebook, so if you're not tech-savy, you may not enjoy that. 

I kept reading and found the book to be enjoyable.  Whenever I read a book, I picture it in my head like a movie, which helps it "come to life" for me as a reader.  It's a fast read, easy read.  It's definitely worth reading once.

My favorite thing about This Side of Heaven is that it's an entertaining book, but has lots of talk about God, and diving into your faith when times are tough.  It's refreshing to read from a Christian author, instead of a secular one.

My biggest complaint about Kingsbury's novel, is that something very unexpected happens before 150 pages.  It was so shocking and abrupt that I considered stopping the book and not caring what happened to the characters.  I certainly wouldn't have wrote this particular storyline for the book, haha.  I was so disappointed by this low-blow that I actually ceased reading for a few days, until I felt like I wanted to continue.

I am glad I decided to finish reading the some 300 page book.  Like I said, it was a easy read, and by the end, I did feel connected to the characters.  Bonus, the ending was really good!  I even had tears in my eyes!  I'd certainly recommend this book to anyone.  I hope if you read it, you'll be blessed by it.