I Need Some Sexual Healing

It seems like in the secular world, everyone wants to talk about sex, yet in the church, it's an uncomfortable topic.  The message I got growing up was only abstinence, totally neglecting to address those who needed healing from their sexual past (or current going-ons).  As I grow in my Walk, I realize more and more how much I want to live a life that pleases the Master.  I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over just because I know grace is offered and I'll be forgiven.  I desire to love Him rightly.  Not just when people can see me, but especially when I'm alone, when I'm in my thoughts...I want to be robed in purity and not engage in former sinful acts.  I wish everyone also had this revelation and conviction.

As a teen, I envisioned my place in this world as a wife and mother, and all I thought about was when it that would happen for me, I'd be complete.  The guys I dated didn't deserve my time, but I've never known my own worth.  I haven't had a father who doted after me and thought I was a princess.  I realize now how that's shaped me and my dating behaviors.  Daddy didn't love me or treat me right, so let me go and find some loser guys who will do the exact thing, because that's what I'm used to, right?  That's all I'm good for, right?

I dated guys who claimed to love God, yet didn't know how to show me anything honorable, or remotely close to respect.  I was even in a long-term relationship with  a worship leader, who wanted to "sin now, repent later".  I can't even express with words the mutilation of my heart and how I've been abused, used, mistreated, deceived...only God knows how deeply I've been wounded.

So, I mentioned before I'm in a group on Facebook called "No More Milk For Free".  I saw a video posted on there, called Sexual Healing.  (I'll put the link below for anyone wanting to watch the video)  The video is a spoken-poem by Jefferson Bethke.  He's talking about our social norms as it applies to sex, relationships, the media's influences, and ultimately, where our real pleasure should lie, in Jesus Christ.

I started the video and immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me and I instantly had goosebumps ("Godbumps").  I was getting hit with truth after truth after truth, and the tears were rolling down my eyes.  I know in my heart that God inspired this poem and anointed it, and I believe I was meant to hear it.  Because it's shaken me up, awakening so much.

First of all, I've got to applaud the writer, Jefferson Bethke for sharing this because I believe the video is challenging so many false beliefs out there.  You know, how many young guys are standing strong and speaking out about purity like this?  Lots of guys instead, brag about the number of girls they've had, etc.  That's why this poem is so refreshing.  It's honest and true, and I commend any guy who can allow himself to be vulnerable and transparent and used by God.  I thank God for Jeff and his willingness to speak this message that God gave him.

Like I said, the video just floored me; I was blown away!  One part is talking about guys who pressure girls, and how she wants love, but settles for lust.  I was just like, man..that's me.  I'm that girl.  Wanted so badly to be loved, yet ended up getting hurt more.  A long term relationship I was in, whenever I told him I loved him, he never said it back.  He never told me he loved me, unless he wanted to get me in bed.  His idea of foreplay was called deception.  As in, " 'I love you', let's sin".  But after, he was as cold as a stonewall.  He didn't want to hold my hand, or talk.  His indifference towards me, made me feel like I was unlovable, worthless, like the girl spoken about in the poem.

A line in the poem that really stood out to me and hit me profoundly talks about God's goodness.  "He heals us from that sin that totally infects us, He does what condoms can't, He EMOTIONALLY PROTECTS US."  Wow, what a thought.  Sure, condoms protect against STD's and unwanted pregnancies, but they don't protect against sin, or heartache.  But God does.  That's such an incredible revelation, wow!

I want my future relationship to be centered on God and cloaked in purity.  I don't want to indulge in the flesh any longer, it's too high of an emotional price and God is calling me to pursue purity in every aspect of my life.  But, I still have a ways to go because I still need to be delivered from the pain and rejection of the past.

The way guys have treated me, brainwashed me.  The idea that I could date a guy who would find value in my heart and mind (not just my body), is beyond my comprehension.  Even bigger yet, that a guy could love me before ever having sex?  I believe that seeing Jeff's heart for God and and how far he's come from, was a gift from God.  God used the video to show me that the scenario of a guy loving and respecting me is POSSIBLE!  If God has fashioned Jeff's heart this way, then surely there are others like him!

I can't express how this video ministered to me and mega super duper blessed me.  Praise the Lord.  Now, I feel like if I ever have a weak moment where I'd consider getting back together with an ex, it won't get that far.  I'll declare 'NO' and think of the video, and refuse to settle again.  That's powerful!  Obviously, I recommend everyone to watch this video; you will get something out of it.  For girls like me who have been in abusive relationships, this video is sure to renew the hope in your heart that God has someone out there who will treat you how you deserve.  Jeff is living proof, that God can change any heart and transform it from old to new!

PRAYER:  Father God, I thank You for giving Jeff the holy boldness needed to deliver this message.  I ask Lord that this video would impact this generation and Your Holy Spirit would cause men all over to love and respect the women in their life, rightly.  Rise up men of integrity, men who are more interested in pleasing You Lord, than seeking pleasure from their fleshly desires.

This Side of Heaven - Book Review

Honestly, I don't read a lot of books.  Not to say I'm bad at reading, I just usually gravitate to online articles, blogs, or magazines.  Last year I read a novel by Karen Kingsbury, who is a bestselling author of Christian books.  I recently finished another of her books, This Side of Heaven.

The plot centers around the Warren family, and how secrets will be revealed.  The parents, Annie and Nate, are successful, and way disappointed in their son, Josh.  He's in his twenties, disabled from an accident and waiting for his settlement to come in.  There is a chance that Josh has a daughter, Savannah, half across the country--but his parents won't consider the possibility of that being true.  Will Josh ever get his settlement?  Will he ever find out if Savannah is his?  Would his parents ever be proud of him?  How will God move in this family?

I did relate to Josh Warren.  He's a dreamer, but held back by circumstances.  His life is miserable and all his time is spent waiting, waiting, waiting for his settlement check.  Like the song goes, he is just waiting for his real life to begin.  Josh's parents love him, but are severely disappointed that he never did anything great with his life.  They are embarrassed when people ask how he's doing.  Sigh.  I relate to Josh.  I'm a dreamer, I probably have too many dreams...and I do feel my circumstances don't enable me to achieve them.  I also relate to the waiting theme.  I feel like my life is one big wait, like I'm at the back of a huge line, waiting, waiting, just waiting.  And I also, think my parents probably feel that way about me at least in part.  I mean, yes, I did graduate from college, but haven't done much else with my life.  Since Josh & I had so much in common, I became emotionally attached to his character and wanted to see how he'd turn out.

For anyone wanting to read this book, you've got to be a trooper.   The first few chapters are hard to get into, but if you keep reading, it does get better.  The beginning chapters focus on the main character communicating on Facebook, so if you're not tech-savy, you may not enjoy that. 

I kept reading and found the book to be enjoyable.  Whenever I read a book, I picture it in my head like a movie, which helps it "come to life" for me as a reader.  It's a fast read, easy read.  It's definitely worth reading once.

My favorite thing about This Side of Heaven is that it's an entertaining book, but has lots of talk about God, and diving into your faith when times are tough.  It's refreshing to read from a Christian author, instead of a secular one.

My biggest complaint about Kingsbury's novel, is that something very unexpected happens before 150 pages.  It was so shocking and abrupt that I considered stopping the book and not caring what happened to the characters.  I certainly wouldn't have wrote this particular storyline for the book, haha.  I was so disappointed by this low-blow that I actually ceased reading for a few days, until I felt like I wanted to continue.

I am glad I decided to finish reading the some 300 page book.  Like I said, it was a easy read, and by the end, I did feel connected to the characters.  Bonus, the ending was really good!  I even had tears in my eyes!  I'd certainly recommend this book to anyone.  I hope if you read it, you'll be blessed by it.

Oh Honey, You Go Ahead, Padlock Your Milk Truck!

I recently was invited to join a group on Facebook called "No More Milk For Free".  It's basically like the saying, who would want buy milk (or the cow), when you're offering it for free.  (And we're not talking about actual milk, which I am a fan of.  Milk has definitely done me good!  Hahaha osteoporosis you won't get me!)  What's being referred to, is actually the other goods!  Them hanky-panky goods that are meant to be enjoyed with your spouse, not all the boyfriends you ever dated.  The group is about promoting purity for singles in a way that glorifies God, instead of grieves Him.

Yikes, look at all those straws dipped in all them milk bottles.  What a mess.  God doesn't want us stickin' our straws in all different kinds of people's milk bottles, LOL!  I am not judging anyone for what they've done in the past, that's over and done with.  Hallelujah, God offers us forgiveness, so accept it, and get movin' towards purity! :)

I know as a single, Christian woman I am supposed to remain pure until marriage, and resist slipping into sins and temptation.  Which for anyone really attempting to go this route, it's really difficult!  A little bit of my personal story is that I am so far from that innocent little girl I once was, that I don't even remember the days when I thought of myself as a princess.  That dream of meeting a boy who'd sweep me off my feet, has long diminished from my mind.

As a teenager, I didn't date a lot, but the guys I did date, didn't treat me great.  To add to it, I didn't think highly of myself.  Then, I wasn't fat, but I was definitely built curvy, when all the other girls my age were pencil thin.  I had select taste in music, which meant I constantly got teased for my musical choices (Hanson fan - 14 years & counting!).  I also had a crazy, buck wild laugh that got me noticed and mocked constantly.  I was close to my dad when I was little, but no longer felt loved by him.  I wanted to be loved and feel I actually had worth, and couldn't wait for a guy to show me that. 

I was looking for a guy to complete me.  I was saved, but felt a deeper yearning in my heart to be loved by a man, instead of my Heavenly Father (big uh-oh!).  It was so important for me to find someone, to matter to someone.  Now, years later, I have never mattered to a guy.  I can't believe the choices I've made in men.  I wanted so bad to be loved, to be desired, to be accepted and embraced--to belong to someone.  It's never happened....yet!  I can't even count the number of times I've had my heart broken.

I have had serious relationships, I have had silly crushes, I have loved guys who I shouldn't have.  It's a true statement to say, I've never been loved by a man, romantically.  Guys have only ever looked at me with lust in their eyes.  I was giving out the milk for free, and couldn't understand why I wasn't loved back.

So, what do I have to lose?  I'll join this group.  Maybe it will help me not to feel so alone.  The first day or so of being in the group, I saw a post that rattled my core.  A guy named Rocky wrote something that struck me so profoundly, I know it was God.  Rocky said he views the opposite sex as his sisters.  As in sister.  Sister.  S-i-s-t-e-r.  There is one man in the world who can be so dedicated to God that he can look at a woman not as a sexual conquest, but as a sister?  Are you freakin' serious?  (I graduated college, okay, I know stuff!)  ...But this concept completely blows my mind.  This guy, God bless him, can look at a woman not as a piece of meat, but as a sister.  I'm still floored by his statement.  More men need to stand up in integrity and look us women with respect, instead of lust.  I can't even tell you how many so-called Godly men tried to get inside my milk truck!

I know that God IS working in this group.  I feel like when I read Rocky's post about this, it was the start of a healing journey for me.  When I read his words, the Holy Spirit just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I feel like God is awakening me to the idea that I don't have to settle for the "boozers, losers, users, & abusers" anymore.  If there is one man of integrity that can look at women with respect, then others must also exist.  I feel this so strongly in my spirit.  God is even at work right this very second, touching me deep within.  The tears are rollin'.

I just want to encourage everyone reading this.  Be strong and rely on God for love and acceptable instead of running into the arms of someone who only wants you for your body.  That milk is too good to be free, so stop that distribution!  Can I get an amen?  I used to think that a guy would only love me if I gave him what he wanted.  But, if I seek God, for a true man of integrity and character, he should look at me and desire more than just the milk.  He'll want to win over my heart and buy the whole milk truck!  AMEN!

I just love the above image of this girl.  She's strong and doesn't take any crap from anyone!  She's like, 'Yeah right, you can't use me!  I'm too good for that; I'm a daughter of the Most High!'  Her milk truck is PADLOCKED, and God holds the keys until she gets married!  Be strong!

If you're reading this and would like to join this Facebook group No More Milk For Free, comment below and I'll add you.

God hints, Let go of that SPIRITUAL BAGGAGE

Over the past several months, my sleeping activity has changed.  I've had lots of restlessness, waking up a lot, and having a lot of bad dreams, nightmares, nasty demonic stuff quite often.  I've always used those moments of drifting off to sleep, to pray, to talk to God.  If the last thing on my mind before bed, are innocent, pure thoughts, then why do I feel like I'm being attacked while I sleep?  IDK why, but I do think God can allow us to have "scary" dreams to awaken us to what He's trying to tell us.  While I was freaked out by this dream, I'm trying to understand why I had it.  There's got to be a reason, a lesson to be learned.

Let me preface this by saying that you need to pray yourself out of "bad moods."  As a Christian, don't simply let a bad mood simmer inside you.  A month ago, I was having a BAD day.  I was at my mom's apartment, alone--and no matter what I did, I wasn't snapping out of my bad mood.  I felt depressed, lethargic, hopeless, etc.  Nothing I seemed to do was improving my mood, so I decided to take a nap about 7pm.  I usually NEVER take naps.  I'll talk more about this in detail another time, but God's been bringing it to my attention that I use use sleep to "numb" or "escape".  Like an alcoholic would drink to escape, I'll sleep to escape my bad mood, etc.  I laid down for my nap, and ended up having this dream.

[DREAM]  The dream was that my Mom was currently renting both an old house, and an apartment--splitting up the time, living at both places.  I don't know the location of each home, but I know they weren't next door to one another.  I was alone at the house with Truth (my dog).  I was sleeping at that house and I couldn't wake up because there was a spirit of heaviness, a demon so constricting over me, covering me like a blanket.  I couldn't wake up!  So, I uttered the name of JESUS over and over and over and over again, until I finally was able to wake up.

After that, I didn't feel safe in that house, that was occupied by evil, controlling spirits.  I decided I needed to get my stuff so Truth & I could get out of that place.  I don't just mean leave for the day, I'm talking MOVE OUT!  The rest of the dream I go through things, and pack things up.  It was an older home, and it was evident that the previous tenant didn't clean up because there was a lot of their stuff, mixed in with my stuff.  I wasn't able to just grab my stuff and leave in a hurry.  I had to sort through the belongings, to determine what was mine, and what was not.  I knew that whatever I brought with, was all I would take.  I remember thinking, to tell my Mom that we should return a final time together and that we would need to BURN the rest of the stuff there!  Weird, huh? [End of dream]

When I woke up in real life, I was freaked out.  It was certainly not a pleasant dream, but it did seem very realistic.  I quickly texted the basics of the dream to my friend, Julia, and also so I'd not forget it.  Immediately, I felt wrong for using sleep to numb myself.  I had been in a horrid mood and basically was just opening up myself, almost inviting bad junk to come in.  YIKES!

When my Mom got off work that night, I talked to her about the dream.  Sometimes we will discuss a dream one of us has had, then the other will interpret it, if we feel led to.  We talked about the dream, then I walked out of the room.  She was still pondering, because she called me back in the room.  What would she say about the dream?  She brought up the point, "Remember the apartment next door?  That lady moved out earlier today."  We saw the neighbors (whom we don't know) move out, and leave.

Then she begin explaining how for instance, if mice or rats occupied a (hypothetical) place, and their source of life (food, crumbs, garbage etc) was gone, no longer meeting their basic needs, they'd move on to the next place that would.  Since we didn't know the neighbor, we cannot know their spiritual beliefs.  But, she suggested, what if there was a bad spirit dwelling in the next-door apartment?  With the tenant moved out, taking all their possessions--that spirit would need a new space to occupy.  I don't know much about "haunted houses" but I definitely believe evil spirits can possess a physical property.  There is so much going on in the spiritual realm that we as humans have no clue!  So, the suggestion that when a tenant moves, a demonic spirit could linger or search for a new place to dwell, is very possible to me.  I don't know for certain, but perhaps that day I felt so ''off'' was because something nasty from next door was trying to latch itself onto this apartment.

But what did the dream mean?  I thought back to the dream-- when I sensed the evil spirit, why didn't I immediately flee?  How could my possessions be more important than my safety?  Was God trying to tell me I place too high of importance in physical things?  My friend, Julia, that I had texted the quick details of the dream, gave me some insight.  Her reply, "It may be more about spiritual baggage you need to kick.  Not material things."  Aha!  Could that be it?  My memory went back to how in the dream I had to rummage through all the belongings in the house.  There was tons of junk.  There were things I didn't even recognize as my own, but they were contained in my shelter.  In order to leave, I had to sift through the items one by one, which was a tedious and time consuming thing.  I didn't just grab a backpack, and throw in a few things to leave with.  There were piles, upon piles of stuff and stuff.  In the dream, I was fully aware of all the garbage around me.  I had to consciously decide what to keep, and what to leave to leave behind.  My actions were dependent on my decision.  Each decision that I made.  ..."Do I want this?"  ..."Do I really need to hold onto this?"  ..."How will I feel if I let go of this?'' I asked myself in the dream.

Spiritual baggage...yes.  God wasn't trying to tell me I'm materialistic, He was trying to reveal that my life is full of too much spiritual baggage.  When the Father asks if you want a lighter load, you don't shrug it off!  Think about it, we all have spiritual baggage.  We all have scars from the past, fresh wounds from today, and insecurities about tomorrow.


As I teenager, I'd get crushes and feel like this guy, or that guy was SO great.  All I could do was think about "us", even if he'd never talked to me or knew I existed, ha!  So if you picture your heart being whole at birth, then when a guy "breaks your heart", you lose a little piece of your heart to him.  You're not whole anymore.  Unless you give that hurt to God, you'll never be whole again!  A guy rejects you, there's a piece.  Your best friend betrays you, there's another piece.  Your parents don't support your dream of being a musician, yet another piece.  All these hurts that we carry around are baggage!  Day after day, year after year, baby, they are gonna get hea-vy!

In my dream, there was so much junk in my life, and all I wanted to do was escape.  I was overwhelmed, scared, stressed out, burdened, and felt so threatened by the multitude of this baggage.  There was no way I'd be able to continue on while clinging to everything.  This is a much broader topic, so I'm unable to discuss it all at once.


I just want to encourage you, that you don't have to be like me in my scary dream.  You don't have to be so caught up in the junk we accumulate, you can have a lighter load!  And, it doesn't have to be all at once.  Think, baby steps!  Maybe reading this will prompt you to forgive someone who hurt you.  You can let go of that luggage of unforgiveness in your mind and heart today, if you choose.  This is also a message to myself, because obviously I had this dream for a reason, and I believe God wants to help me live with a lighter load, and lay down some of these heavy bags I've been carrying!  FREEDOM!!!!

PRAYER:  Father God, let my joy in life revolve around You & Your Goodness, and not on material things.  And Lord, I admit I have been carrying around hurts and offenses, and I don't want to feel the weight of these burdens any longer.  I desire to be free.  Please, Holy Spirit, give me the strength and courage to be able to let go of this baggage.  And even now, if there are certain things I've hid so deep inside of me, that I never dealt with, Lord, bring those to my attention.  Show me how I've been wrong, because I want to change; I want to be free to serve you.  I don't want this baggage dragging me down anymore!  I thank you Father for hearing me, and I have faith to believe You will do this for me!  In your name, AMEN! 

I Dream of...Hubby

A few night ago I had a dream about my future husband.  I think it was a dream from God.  I wish I would have written this sooner, while it was fresh in my mind, but I'll do my best to recall the details.

In the dream, I was at a church function in Pella, but not a specific place I actually know of.  I noticed a guy passionately worshipping God, near me and we began talking.  He was attractive, in his own special way.  He was a white guy laugh (smiles), he had disheveled hair that was longish--but not ponytail long.  I don't want to say he was a sloppy dresser, but he definitely had his own laid-back style.

We began talking and it just felt like we were divinely being drawn to each other.  He would say something that sparked me saying something, and so on.  It felt like I'd known him my whole life, I felt so close to him, and we connected at SUCH a spiritual level.  It was beyond any physical attraction; it was nothing lustful--just such a divine connection.  I'd never "clicked' with someone like this before.  He just ate up everything I said, and I, hung on his every word.  It was obvious that everything I felt for him, he was feeling the same way about me.  It was like a mirrored image, as if  we were mimicking each other.

Because I felt so intensely close to him, I wanted to just express myself without bounds.  Usually I have to hold back because my personality can be overwhelming.  I started talking "full on Saraness" when I stopped myself, realizing I just met this guy and I shouldn't lay it all out there and totally be myself.  He had the opposite response--he wanted to hear it all!  "Lay it on me" he said!  It was more than my mind could comprehend that this guy didn't expect me to conform to his likes, or tone down my personality at all!  Where had he been all my life? LOL.

As we were talking, he said it was to be his birthday tomorrow.  I asked if he'd get to celebrate it with his family.  He said something like, "Not unless they drive five hours," alluding to the fact that they did not live near him.  When he said, five hours away, immediately I thought: Kansas City.

Then, in the dream, I flashbacked to an earlier time, where I was in Kansas City, at IHOP (The International House of Prayer) during a worship set.  I SAW HIM.  I thought tonight was the first time I'd ever seen him, but I had seen him before!  In the flashback, I saw him doing a worship song.  He wasn't the worship leader, he was just doing one song as a special testimony.  He was playing solo: singing, playing ukulele, and trying to loop it with a guitar pedal.

Technically, he honestly wasn't the greatest musician, singer, or performer.  It was a little awkward, musically.  I'm sure lots of musicians could out play him, out sing him--but that didn't matter.  He had raw, legit talent.  He wasn't polished at all--he was a little rough around the edges.  What made him stand out though, was his incredibly passionate heart, that was on fire and completely in love and devoted to the Master!  He wasn't there to impress people, he was worshipping for an audience of One.  There was such a purity about him, a relentless pursuit, an incredible authenticity in his every utterance.  I had seen him.  But this was the first time we'd been introduced.

The dream goes back to where it began, with us talking.  That's all I remember from the dream.  I didn't see beyond this meeting.  I didn't see if he asked me on a date.  I didn't see a progression of the relationship.  Yet, I woke up, exclaiming, ''I just had a dream about my future husband!"  I didn't need to dream the rest of it up, because I had such a intense clarity that he was the man God had for me.  I had absolutely zero doubts.  And I wasn't saying in a puppy dog way, "Ohmigosh, he's the one!!" like a lovesick teen.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew...it was him.  I had the peace of God sitting on my heart, and no doubt was allowed to enter.

Beyond the dream, I can still picture what he looked like.  It's no one I recognized from IHOP, or anyone currently in my life.  I think that's beyond the point.  I don't think God was giving me a dream, showing me this specific guy as being what my husband will look like--or that he'll specifically come from IHOP.  I believe God was showing me, that when He brings this man into my life, we will have a special connection.  Why?  Because it's God ordained.  When I'm with the one God has for me, it won't matter about guys I dated in the past.  I believe him and I will, have the type of connection, like in the dream.

Specifically, two things stick out to me.  The part of the dream where I want to openly be my true self, then stopped myself, ties in my past and future.  In my dating relationships, I've always had to withhold myself at times because I was too loud, too opinionated, too overwhelming, etc.  For so long the devil had me convinced, I'd have to change for a guy, because I was just "too much."  But God is fighting back and saying loudly, "NO!  You are not too much, and the man I have for you, Sara, will not think you are too much to handle.  He will love you exactly how you are.  You won't have to hold back anymore."  Whoa!  AMEN to that one!

 This dream, I do believe and receive that it's from God.  I don't necessarily think my future husband will look just like the guy in the dream, or hail from Kansas City.  But, we will have that closeness like we've always known each other, and that's something so precious for me to look forward to.  I will trust in the Lord, while I'm waiting.