Thank God, I Found the GOOD in Goodbye!

I've been putting off this blog for months now, and I finally feel at liberty to talk about it.  As many of you know, and some of you may not know, this past September 2011, was life-changing.  My mom had recently retired, so us girls thought it would be fun for a little weekend getaway.  We went to Wisconsin.  We'd have some relaxing time at the hotel, do some shopping, and I'd visit some of my beloved friends there.  It was a fun trip, but it was extremely painful.  I didn't know what was coming!!

The last time I had seen ex boyfriend, Marc, had been March 2011.  He hurt me, and we stopped talking.  When summer came, he wanted to see me on several occasions, and I successfully declined.  But, this time he found out I was going to be in Wisconsin, he invited me to one of his music gig's.  A few days before the visit, him and I talked on the phone and he admitted he actually did love me--something he hadn't said in a very long time.  I wanted to believe he had changed, and that he meant what he said.  So, I decided while in WI, my mom and I would attend his show.  Let me say that I don't regret that decision.  It was my judgement call, and ultimately led to a hidden blessing.  More on that later.

My mom and I had a fun time at the show.  The music was good, and we enjoyed ourselves.  After the show, Marc texted me and picked me up so we could hang out.  He was acting sweet, telling me how much he missed me, blah blah.  He was trying to play into my emotions so he could get what he wanted.  He said he'd like to hang out the next night and I agreed.  When I got back to the hotel, I was feeling "lovesick".  I told my mom I still had strong feelings for him, despite our rocky past.  My naive heart wanted to believe this time could be different.

Before I met up with him that night, I got the chance to hang out with my friend, Jeb, who I hadn't seen or talked to in three years.  (It almost didn't happen...wow, I would have missed out on a big blessing!)  I always had a special connection with Jeb, & I really enjoyed his company.  In our conversation, I could clearly see how God had been working in his life, big time.  In the three years we hadn't talked, he had spiritually matured A LOT!  It was so attractive and so exciting to hear him speak about progress he'd made in his Walk and how he'd been pursuing a pure lifestyle to please God.  When I talked, Jeb listened intently, and showed so much compassion!  He even came over to my side of the table and gave me a spontaneous hug!  Everything he was saying, were things I wished ...Marc would say, feel, believe.  Jeb was an example of a man of God, pursuing integrity.  Jeb didn't even realize it, but the Holy Spirit was convicting me and began stirring up my heart during our visit.  I had such a wonderful time with Jeb, I wasn't even excited about seeing Marc again.

When Marc picked me up that night, he was in a bad mood.  I was nervous, but I knew I had to confront him.  The night before, I felt sucked in, emotionally by him--but after talking with Jeb, confrontation was my only option.  Let me say that I loathe confrontation.  I avoid it, at all costs.  But, I was stirred up so much, I couldn't avoid this conversation.  It had to happen.

Jeb's example of integrity and a desire to please God, was my push to confront Marc.  I knew I wanted to be with someone like Jeb, with his convictions and beliefs on relationships.  I told Marc how hard it was for me, to be on again/off again with him for eight years and asked if he wanted to be with me, committed.  I said I couldn't keep waiting around for him to make up his mind; I couldn't kept my heart or life on pause anymore.  I said I thought I could make him happy.  Well... we talked and he just thought I was a joke.  He told me he didn't see us ever getting back together.  I told him to take me back to the hotel.  This had to be goodbye, no more playing around.  The car ride back to my hotel was painful. 

When we got to the hotel parking lot, I tried to leave quick, but he wanted to talk this out once and for all.  I was crying, an emotional basket case.  Since there was no future with him, I certainly didn't want to stay in the car and discuss things that didn't matter anymore, but I humored him.  We talked and he didn't understand why this was so hard on me.  HAHAHAHA.  Well, lets see.  I thought I loved him so deeply, for eight years of my life.  We had been through so much, and I'd always been able to forgive him easily. There was just something about him that I couldn't shake.  No matter how many times I'd tried in the past, no matter how many tears, countless prayers, laying on my face screaming out to God "take it all away"...I had still never gotten over him.  I thought it was impossible!  I thought I would always love him, I thought he'd always have my heart.  It was beyond my brain capacity to imagine living without him. 

...How did Marc respond to that?  He had the nerve to try to console me, by saying he knew EXACTLY how I felt.  Really!?  He began describing in details how he felt exactly the same way...FOR SOMEONE ELSE!  He told me how he'd fallen for a girl he (supposedly) was no longer in contact with, and how it ached that he couldn't get over her!  Are you f'ing serious?  That's supposed to be comforting?  What?  I felt a verbal slap in the face, and a grenade to my heart.  What he said, in no way, shape or form comforted me, all it did was severely diminish my feelings.  It devalued everything I felt to be authentic, and cheapened everything I thought we had.

I now had a holy anger burning inside of me.  It was over, and his confession completely wiped away any affection I ever thought I had for him.  His words were so disgusting as they bombed my heart.  I tried getting out of the car, but he wanted to finish talking!!  Next came the most patronizing words I've ever heard!  He told me how I was suuuuuch a great girl and that he knew I'd find someone great.  Then he teased me that I shouldn't get so upset and cry so hard over this.  He even had the nerve to say he hoped we could have occasional contact; saying he wanted to "check in" with each other on holidays and birthdays.  YEAH RIGHT!  I CUT THE CORD!

We got out of the car, it had been pouring rain the whole time.  I was crying so hard, in shock of what was happening.  We said goodbye and hugged.  I stood in the rain, in disbelief.  He drove away.  I spent the next couple hours, crying in the hotel bathroom.  The fact that we had a great time, the night before--made it so much harder.  When I woke up the next morning, my eyes felt like sandpaper, and my heart was flooded with hurts. 

I took a few pictures in the bathroom that night, of me crying.  They are so pittiful!  But I decided to keep them to remind myself of what he did to me, so that I never backslide and invite him back in my life.  I remember what happened, it was real.  Now, I see the photos, and I think they are beautiful because they were the start of my healing. 

When I got back to Iowa, I just felt numb.  I texted some friends that I was going through something rough and needed prayers.  I deleted my Facebook account for a week and shut my phone off.  Funny how Facebook makes your own life worse, seeing how great and perfect everyone else's life is!  I didn't want to talk to anyone about this.  I certainly didn't want to tell this story of how I experienced the ultimate rejection.  Most of all, I didn't want to hear the multitude of "I told you so's".  I couldn't handle that being thrown in my face while my heart was grieving.  So, I shut down emotionally.

Following, were some dark days.  I felt such devastation over what happened to me, such disgust at the thought of Marc, and so much despair in my heart and mind.  I felt unlovable, like, I tried giving my love to someone for so many years, all in vain.  He mutilated my heart, time and time again, but this was the last time I'd ever let him hurt me.

Me & Karen

The pain was so deep that, if I didn't know God, I wouldn't have had any desire to live.  I clung to God's promises, with dear life...even though I didn't know how I'd make it through this trial.  Along with my faith, my supportive mother, and a few friends helped me greatly.  Karen was visiting from Texas, so it was incredible to visit with her, that first week (the worst week in my life!).  As I got ready to meet her, I put makeup on for the first time, since that rainy night; I felt like a real person.  I wore my broken heart shirt.  I was amazed at how good I was able to look on the outside, when I was broken on the inside.  I told her everything that had happened, and managed not to cry when telling it.  She told me she was amazed how brave I was and how she was surprised at how amazingly well she thought I was doing.  Even if she was exaggerating, her words helped me feel like I wasn't so bad off!!  Amidst the pain and heartbreak, we were able to laugh.  I thank God that I got to spend that time with her.  Oooh my Kharena!

I was supposed to visit with Brenda in Wisconsin, but I cancelled our plans after everything.  I couldn't face her, the morning after what happened.  She was so sweet and worried about me.  She decided to visit me, that next weekend.  We went out to dinner, shared a hotel, shared laughs and secrets, created great memories.  It was soothing for my soul.  It meant so much that she cared for me and made a road trip to see me.  As long as I live, I'll never forget what she did for me, being there for me.  I love you BrenLee!

Brenda & I

My friend Danielle in New York, gave me incredible advice during this time.  What she said was hard to swallow, but it was true and it meant so much.  Her words penetrated my pain, and allowed me to actually consider a future without him!

Also, wise Dereck, helped me immensely.  Through the whole thing, he was the realest, no bullshitter.  His advice was to hang on to my anger and hate because that would be my closure.  I did exactly that.  I wasn't reminiscing 'bout them good times, 'cause honey, I don't remember having any!!!

I've wanted to share this for quite some time, but felt uneasy being so transparent and open with my struggles.  But, I believe that my pain wasn't in vain, because I have to believe God allowed me to go through this, so that I can help minister to someone in a similar situation someday.  And, not sharing this story, is like "hiding" what God has done...and instead, I want to testify!!

Looking back, remembering Marc tell me he felt the same way I did, but for someone else--that was IT for me.  That was MY moment of closure.  That was the most heartless, disgusting, shitty, meanest thing he could ever, ever say to me.  It hurt like hell, but I thank God.  His words, cutting and abrasive, were a hidden blessing.  You see, him and I had broken up a thousand times before!  Over the years, it was just something we did: we'd break up.  Then talk again.  Then not talk.  Then talk.  It was a nasty cycle, that seemed unending.  I'd sought deliverance on many occasions and God did heal me on multiple accounts.  The difference was, I chose not to walk it out.  God can heal you, but you're not transformed by that deliverance, until you choose to walk it out.  It's a choice.  God healed me in the past, but I got curious, and CHOSE to allow Marc back into my life.  No matter how many people told me, no matter how many times he broke my heart, I just couldn't say "enough is enough".  I didn't move on until I was ready.  Thinking about letting go is very scary, but actually letting go is such a beautiful thing....

I laugh now, thinking about this past September when he destroyed my heart!  God knew exactly what it would take, to put me in a position to FINALLY let go.  It was SO dramatic, dark, cold, the rain was pouring, saying goodbye forever!  It was perfect.  That's the night, I submitted to God's healing powers.  My pain was, the healing.  I thank God for using Jeb, who gave me that push to confront Marc.

From day one, my relationship with him, was toxic.  I was so blinded by what I thought was love.  It clearly was not, anything, remotely close to love.  But, it was my lesson I had to learn.  I believe now, having gone through this, I will love deeper, appreciate the little things that much more, and always, always be thankful to God for my blessings.

God allowed my heart to be broken, smashed, dashed, destroyed--but when the healing came, little by little, He restored!  I can't tell you how insanely good it feels that my heart is FREE!  The chains are broken, baby!  My heart no longer belongs to someone who doesn't deserve it!  My heart is free and it's so exhilarating!  I'm looking forward to experiencing real love, but until then, just the fact that my heart doesn't belong to Marc, is enough to excite me!

Along with the healing, I've noticed some REALLY remarkable changes in me, AMEN!  Along this journey, I've noticed God has been distancing my heart from Marc.  I can feel it.  It's like, now, when I try to think of him, I don't know what to think.  It's like, he's a stranger to me... like I don't know him at all.  And I just feel further and further away from him, and to me--that's confirmation that my closure is set in stone!  Hallelujah!

Another aspect of that, is that in the past, we'd say goodbye, but then always end up talking again.  I am so certain that's not happening this time!  Whenever I do think of him, it's not sweet, heartwarming things.  I don't recall happy, joyful memories with him.  I simply don't.  I used to, but I'm unable to...anymore.  It's like, he was so utterly heartless, that it took any sweetest and replaced it with bitterness.  I can't remember happy times with him, because I only see the bad ones, now.

It's still weird, to think of never seeing or talking to Marc again.  After all, he was someone I considered to be important.  But, I thank God for the closure I have.  Someday I hope I can genuinely wish goodness to come Marc's way.  Honestly, I'm not to that point yet..but it's a journey. (and I'm being honest!)

I'm smiling, and sighing with peace, re-reading this and thinking how far I've come.  I seriously thought I'd have to carry around this pain of wanting Marc, forever.  The grief and betrayal was so strong this Fall, that I remember thinking, "I'm still alive?" and feeling surprised that I, indeed lived through this.  My broken heart didn't actually kill me.  I'm not only alive, but I'm going to thrive.  I thank God for what He is doing in me and what He intends to do with my life, now that I am no longer a slave to a toxic relationship.  I'm free!  I'm not caged anymore!!  God took the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and turned it around for good, into the biggest blessing!  Can you believe it?  WOW!  This truly is my miracle story.  Glory to God!  Thank God, I found the good in goodbye.

I Need Some Sexual Healing

It seems like in the secular world, everyone wants to talk about sex, yet in the church, it's an uncomfortable topic.  The message I got growing up was only abstinence, totally neglecting to address those who needed healing from their sexual past (or current going-ons).  As I grow in my Walk, I realize more and more how much I want to live a life that pleases the Master.  I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over just because I know grace is offered and I'll be forgiven.  I desire to love Him rightly.  Not just when people can see me, but especially when I'm alone, when I'm in my thoughts...I want to be robed in purity and not engage in former sinful acts.  I wish everyone also had this revelation and conviction.

As a teen, I envisioned my place in this world as a wife and mother, and all I thought about was when it that would happen for me, I'd be complete.  The guys I dated didn't deserve my time, but I've never known my own worth.  I haven't had a father who doted after me and thought I was a princess.  I realize now how that's shaped me and my dating behaviors.  Daddy didn't love me or treat me right, so let me go and find some loser guys who will do the exact thing, because that's what I'm used to, right?  That's all I'm good for, right?

I dated guys who claimed to love God, yet didn't know how to show me anything honorable, or remotely close to respect.  I was even in a long-term relationship with  a worship leader, who wanted to "sin now, repent later".  I can't even express with words the mutilation of my heart and how I've been abused, used, mistreated, deceived...only God knows how deeply I've been wounded.

So, I mentioned before I'm in a group on Facebook called "No More Milk For Free".  I saw a video posted on there, called Sexual Healing.  (I'll put the link below for anyone wanting to watch the video)  The video is a spoken-poem by Jefferson Bethke.  He's talking about our social norms as it applies to sex, relationships, the media's influences, and ultimately, where our real pleasure should lie, in Jesus Christ.

I started the video and immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me and I instantly had goosebumps ("Godbumps").  I was getting hit with truth after truth after truth, and the tears were rolling down my eyes.  I know in my heart that God inspired this poem and anointed it, and I believe I was meant to hear it.  Because it's shaken me up, awakening so much.

First of all, I've got to applaud the writer, Jefferson Bethke for sharing this because I believe the video is challenging so many false beliefs out there.  You know, how many young guys are standing strong and speaking out about purity like this?  Lots of guys instead, brag about the number of girls they've had, etc.  That's why this poem is so refreshing.  It's honest and true, and I commend any guy who can allow himself to be vulnerable and transparent and used by God.  I thank God for Jeff and his willingness to speak this message that God gave him.

Like I said, the video just floored me; I was blown away!  One part is talking about guys who pressure girls, and how she wants love, but settles for lust.  I was just like, man..that's me.  I'm that girl.  Wanted so badly to be loved, yet ended up getting hurt more.  A long term relationship I was in, whenever I told him I loved him, he never said it back.  He never told me he loved me, unless he wanted to get me in bed.  His idea of foreplay was called deception.  As in, " 'I love you', let's sin".  But after, he was as cold as a stonewall.  He didn't want to hold my hand, or talk.  His indifference towards me, made me feel like I was unlovable, worthless, like the girl spoken about in the poem.

A line in the poem that really stood out to me and hit me profoundly talks about God's goodness.  "He heals us from that sin that totally infects us, He does what condoms can't, He EMOTIONALLY PROTECTS US."  Wow, what a thought.  Sure, condoms protect against STD's and unwanted pregnancies, but they don't protect against sin, or heartache.  But God does.  That's such an incredible revelation, wow!

I want my future relationship to be centered on God and cloaked in purity.  I don't want to indulge in the flesh any longer, it's too high of an emotional price and God is calling me to pursue purity in every aspect of my life.  But, I still have a ways to go because I still need to be delivered from the pain and rejection of the past.

The way guys have treated me, brainwashed me.  The idea that I could date a guy who would find value in my heart and mind (not just my body), is beyond my comprehension.  Even bigger yet, that a guy could love me before ever having sex?  I believe that seeing Jeff's heart for God and and how far he's come from, was a gift from God.  God used the video to show me that the scenario of a guy loving and respecting me is POSSIBLE!  If God has fashioned Jeff's heart this way, then surely there are others like him!

I can't express how this video ministered to me and mega super duper blessed me.  Praise the Lord.  Now, I feel like if I ever have a weak moment where I'd consider getting back together with an ex, it won't get that far.  I'll declare 'NO' and think of the video, and refuse to settle again.  That's powerful!  Obviously, I recommend everyone to watch this video; you will get something out of it.  For girls like me who have been in abusive relationships, this video is sure to renew the hope in your heart that God has someone out there who will treat you how you deserve.  Jeff is living proof, that God can change any heart and transform it from old to new!

PRAYER:  Father God, I thank You for giving Jeff the holy boldness needed to deliver this message.  I ask Lord that this video would impact this generation and Your Holy Spirit would cause men all over to love and respect the women in their life, rightly.  Rise up men of integrity, men who are more interested in pleasing You Lord, than seeking pleasure from their fleshly desires.

This Side of Heaven - Book Review

Honestly, I don't read a lot of books.  Not to say I'm bad at reading, I just usually gravitate to online articles, blogs, or magazines.  Last year I read a novel by Karen Kingsbury, who is a bestselling author of Christian books.  I recently finished another of her books, This Side of Heaven.

The plot centers around the Warren family, and how secrets will be revealed.  The parents, Annie and Nate, are successful, and way disappointed in their son, Josh.  He's in his twenties, disabled from an accident and waiting for his settlement to come in.  There is a chance that Josh has a daughter, Savannah, half across the country--but his parents won't consider the possibility of that being true.  Will Josh ever get his settlement?  Will he ever find out if Savannah is his?  Would his parents ever be proud of him?  How will God move in this family?

I did relate to Josh Warren.  He's a dreamer, but held back by circumstances.  His life is miserable and all his time is spent waiting, waiting, waiting for his settlement check.  Like the song goes, he is just waiting for his real life to begin.  Josh's parents love him, but are severely disappointed that he never did anything great with his life.  They are embarrassed when people ask how he's doing.  Sigh.  I relate to Josh.  I'm a dreamer, I probably have too many dreams...and I do feel my circumstances don't enable me to achieve them.  I also relate to the waiting theme.  I feel like my life is one big wait, like I'm at the back of a huge line, waiting, waiting, just waiting.  And I also, think my parents probably feel that way about me at least in part.  I mean, yes, I did graduate from college, but haven't done much else with my life.  Since Josh & I had so much in common, I became emotionally attached to his character and wanted to see how he'd turn out.

For anyone wanting to read this book, you've got to be a trooper.   The first few chapters are hard to get into, but if you keep reading, it does get better.  The beginning chapters focus on the main character communicating on Facebook, so if you're not tech-savy, you may not enjoy that. 

I kept reading and found the book to be enjoyable.  Whenever I read a book, I picture it in my head like a movie, which helps it "come to life" for me as a reader.  It's a fast read, easy read.  It's definitely worth reading once.

My favorite thing about This Side of Heaven is that it's an entertaining book, but has lots of talk about God, and diving into your faith when times are tough.  It's refreshing to read from a Christian author, instead of a secular one.

My biggest complaint about Kingsbury's novel, is that something very unexpected happens before 150 pages.  It was so shocking and abrupt that I considered stopping the book and not caring what happened to the characters.  I certainly wouldn't have wrote this particular storyline for the book, haha.  I was so disappointed by this low-blow that I actually ceased reading for a few days, until I felt like I wanted to continue.

I am glad I decided to finish reading the some 300 page book.  Like I said, it was a easy read, and by the end, I did feel connected to the characters.  Bonus, the ending was really good!  I even had tears in my eyes!  I'd certainly recommend this book to anyone.  I hope if you read it, you'll be blessed by it.

Oh Honey, You Go Ahead, Padlock Your Milk Truck!

I recently was invited to join a group on Facebook called "No More Milk For Free".  It's basically like the saying, who would want buy milk (or the cow), when you're offering it for free.  (And we're not talking about actual milk, which I am a fan of.  Milk has definitely done me good!  Hahaha osteoporosis you won't get me!)  What's being referred to, is actually the other goods!  Them hanky-panky goods that are meant to be enjoyed with your spouse, not all the boyfriends you ever dated.  The group is about promoting purity for singles in a way that glorifies God, instead of grieves Him.

Yikes, look at all those straws dipped in all them milk bottles.  What a mess.  God doesn't want us stickin' our straws in all different kinds of people's milk bottles, LOL!  I am not judging anyone for what they've done in the past, that's over and done with.  Hallelujah, God offers us forgiveness, so accept it, and get movin' towards purity! :)

I know as a single, Christian woman I am supposed to remain pure until marriage, and resist slipping into sins and temptation.  Which for anyone really attempting to go this route, it's really difficult!  A little bit of my personal story is that I am so far from that innocent little girl I once was, that I don't even remember the days when I thought of myself as a princess.  That dream of meeting a boy who'd sweep me off my feet, has long diminished from my mind.

As a teenager, I didn't date a lot, but the guys I did date, didn't treat me great.  To add to it, I didn't think highly of myself.  Then, I wasn't fat, but I was definitely built curvy, when all the other girls my age were pencil thin.  I had select taste in music, which meant I constantly got teased for my musical choices (Hanson fan - 14 years & counting!).  I also had a crazy, buck wild laugh that got me noticed and mocked constantly.  I was close to my dad when I was little, but no longer felt loved by him.  I wanted to be loved and feel I actually had worth, and couldn't wait for a guy to show me that. 

I was looking for a guy to complete me.  I was saved, but felt a deeper yearning in my heart to be loved by a man, instead of my Heavenly Father (big uh-oh!).  It was so important for me to find someone, to matter to someone.  Now, years later, I have never mattered to a guy.  I can't believe the choices I've made in men.  I wanted so bad to be loved, to be desired, to be accepted and embraced--to belong to someone.  It's never happened....yet!  I can't even count the number of times I've had my heart broken.

I have had serious relationships, I have had silly crushes, I have loved guys who I shouldn't have.  It's a true statement to say, I've never been loved by a man, romantically.  Guys have only ever looked at me with lust in their eyes.  I was giving out the milk for free, and couldn't understand why I wasn't loved back.

So, what do I have to lose?  I'll join this group.  Maybe it will help me not to feel so alone.  The first day or so of being in the group, I saw a post that rattled my core.  A guy named Rocky wrote something that struck me so profoundly, I know it was God.  Rocky said he views the opposite sex as his sisters.  As in sister.  Sister.  S-i-s-t-e-r.  There is one man in the world who can be so dedicated to God that he can look at a woman not as a sexual conquest, but as a sister?  Are you freakin' serious?  (I graduated college, okay, I know stuff!)  ...But this concept completely blows my mind.  This guy, God bless him, can look at a woman not as a piece of meat, but as a sister.  I'm still floored by his statement.  More men need to stand up in integrity and look us women with respect, instead of lust.  I can't even tell you how many so-called Godly men tried to get inside my milk truck!

I know that God IS working in this group.  I feel like when I read Rocky's post about this, it was the start of a healing journey for me.  When I read his words, the Holy Spirit just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I feel like God is awakening me to the idea that I don't have to settle for the "boozers, losers, users, & abusers" anymore.  If there is one man of integrity that can look at women with respect, then others must also exist.  I feel this so strongly in my spirit.  God is even at work right this very second, touching me deep within.  The tears are rollin'.

I just want to encourage everyone reading this.  Be strong and rely on God for love and acceptable instead of running into the arms of someone who only wants you for your body.  That milk is too good to be free, so stop that distribution!  Can I get an amen?  I used to think that a guy would only love me if I gave him what he wanted.  But, if I seek God, for a true man of integrity and character, he should look at me and desire more than just the milk.  He'll want to win over my heart and buy the whole milk truck!  AMEN!

I just love the above image of this girl.  She's strong and doesn't take any crap from anyone!  She's like, 'Yeah right, you can't use me!  I'm too good for that; I'm a daughter of the Most High!'  Her milk truck is PADLOCKED, and God holds the keys until she gets married!  Be strong!

If you're reading this and would like to join this Facebook group No More Milk For Free, comment below and I'll add you.

God hints, Let go of that SPIRITUAL BAGGAGE

Over the past several months, my sleeping activity has changed.  I've had lots of restlessness, waking up a lot, and having a lot of bad dreams, nightmares, nasty demonic stuff quite often.  I've always used those moments of drifting off to sleep, to pray, to talk to God.  If the last thing on my mind before bed, are innocent, pure thoughts, then why do I feel like I'm being attacked while I sleep?  IDK why, but I do think God can allow us to have "scary" dreams to awaken us to what He's trying to tell us.  While I was freaked out by this dream, I'm trying to understand why I had it.  There's got to be a reason, a lesson to be learned.

Let me preface this by saying that you need to pray yourself out of "bad moods."  As a Christian, don't simply let a bad mood simmer inside you.  A month ago, I was having a BAD day.  I was at my mom's apartment, alone--and no matter what I did, I wasn't snapping out of my bad mood.  I felt depressed, lethargic, hopeless, etc.  Nothing I seemed to do was improving my mood, so I decided to take a nap about 7pm.  I usually NEVER take naps.  I'll talk more about this in detail another time, but God's been bringing it to my attention that I use use sleep to "numb" or "escape".  Like an alcoholic would drink to escape, I'll sleep to escape my bad mood, etc.  I laid down for my nap, and ended up having this dream.

[DREAM]  The dream was that my Mom was currently renting both an old house, and an apartment--splitting up the time, living at both places.  I don't know the location of each home, but I know they weren't next door to one another.  I was alone at the house with Truth (my dog).  I was sleeping at that house and I couldn't wake up because there was a spirit of heaviness, a demon so constricting over me, covering me like a blanket.  I couldn't wake up!  So, I uttered the name of JESUS over and over and over and over again, until I finally was able to wake up.

After that, I didn't feel safe in that house, that was occupied by evil, controlling spirits.  I decided I needed to get my stuff so Truth & I could get out of that place.  I don't just mean leave for the day, I'm talking MOVE OUT!  The rest of the dream I go through things, and pack things up.  It was an older home, and it was evident that the previous tenant didn't clean up because there was a lot of their stuff, mixed in with my stuff.  I wasn't able to just grab my stuff and leave in a hurry.  I had to sort through the belongings, to determine what was mine, and what was not.  I knew that whatever I brought with, was all I would take.  I remember thinking, to tell my Mom that we should return a final time together and that we would need to BURN the rest of the stuff there!  Weird, huh? [End of dream]

When I woke up in real life, I was freaked out.  It was certainly not a pleasant dream, but it did seem very realistic.  I quickly texted the basics of the dream to my friend, Julia, and also so I'd not forget it.  Immediately, I felt wrong for using sleep to numb myself.  I had been in a horrid mood and basically was just opening up myself, almost inviting bad junk to come in.  YIKES!

When my Mom got off work that night, I talked to her about the dream.  Sometimes we will discuss a dream one of us has had, then the other will interpret it, if we feel led to.  We talked about the dream, then I walked out of the room.  She was still pondering, because she called me back in the room.  What would she say about the dream?  She brought up the point, "Remember the apartment next door?  That lady moved out earlier today."  We saw the neighbors (whom we don't know) move out, and leave.

Then she begin explaining how for instance, if mice or rats occupied a (hypothetical) place, and their source of life (food, crumbs, garbage etc) was gone, no longer meeting their basic needs, they'd move on to the next place that would.  Since we didn't know the neighbor, we cannot know their spiritual beliefs.  But, she suggested, what if there was a bad spirit dwelling in the next-door apartment?  With the tenant moved out, taking all their possessions--that spirit would need a new space to occupy.  I don't know much about "haunted houses" but I definitely believe evil spirits can possess a physical property.  There is so much going on in the spiritual realm that we as humans have no clue!  So, the suggestion that when a tenant moves, a demonic spirit could linger or search for a new place to dwell, is very possible to me.  I don't know for certain, but perhaps that day I felt so ''off'' was because something nasty from next door was trying to latch itself onto this apartment.

But what did the dream mean?  I thought back to the dream-- when I sensed the evil spirit, why didn't I immediately flee?  How could my possessions be more important than my safety?  Was God trying to tell me I place too high of importance in physical things?  My friend, Julia, that I had texted the quick details of the dream, gave me some insight.  Her reply, "It may be more about spiritual baggage you need to kick.  Not material things."  Aha!  Could that be it?  My memory went back to how in the dream I had to rummage through all the belongings in the house.  There was tons of junk.  There were things I didn't even recognize as my own, but they were contained in my shelter.  In order to leave, I had to sift through the items one by one, which was a tedious and time consuming thing.  I didn't just grab a backpack, and throw in a few things to leave with.  There were piles, upon piles of stuff and stuff.  In the dream, I was fully aware of all the garbage around me.  I had to consciously decide what to keep, and what to leave to leave behind.  My actions were dependent on my decision.  Each decision that I made.  ..."Do I want this?"  ..."Do I really need to hold onto this?"  ..."How will I feel if I let go of this?'' I asked myself in the dream.

Spiritual baggage...yes.  God wasn't trying to tell me I'm materialistic, He was trying to reveal that my life is full of too much spiritual baggage.  When the Father asks if you want a lighter load, you don't shrug it off!  Think about it, we all have spiritual baggage.  We all have scars from the past, fresh wounds from today, and insecurities about tomorrow.


As I teenager, I'd get crushes and feel like this guy, or that guy was SO great.  All I could do was think about "us", even if he'd never talked to me or knew I existed, ha!  So if you picture your heart being whole at birth, then when a guy "breaks your heart", you lose a little piece of your heart to him.  You're not whole anymore.  Unless you give that hurt to God, you'll never be whole again!  A guy rejects you, there's a piece.  Your best friend betrays you, there's another piece.  Your parents don't support your dream of being a musician, yet another piece.  All these hurts that we carry around are baggage!  Day after day, year after year, baby, they are gonna get hea-vy!

In my dream, there was so much junk in my life, and all I wanted to do was escape.  I was overwhelmed, scared, stressed out, burdened, and felt so threatened by the multitude of this baggage.  There was no way I'd be able to continue on while clinging to everything.  This is a much broader topic, so I'm unable to discuss it all at once.


I just want to encourage you, that you don't have to be like me in my scary dream.  You don't have to be so caught up in the junk we accumulate, you can have a lighter load!  And, it doesn't have to be all at once.  Think, baby steps!  Maybe reading this will prompt you to forgive someone who hurt you.  You can let go of that luggage of unforgiveness in your mind and heart today, if you choose.  This is also a message to myself, because obviously I had this dream for a reason, and I believe God wants to help me live with a lighter load, and lay down some of these heavy bags I've been carrying!  FREEDOM!!!!

PRAYER:  Father God, let my joy in life revolve around You & Your Goodness, and not on material things.  And Lord, I admit I have been carrying around hurts and offenses, and I don't want to feel the weight of these burdens any longer.  I desire to be free.  Please, Holy Spirit, give me the strength and courage to be able to let go of this baggage.  And even now, if there are certain things I've hid so deep inside of me, that I never dealt with, Lord, bring those to my attention.  Show me how I've been wrong, because I want to change; I want to be free to serve you.  I don't want this baggage dragging me down anymore!  I thank you Father for hearing me, and I have faith to believe You will do this for me!  In your name, AMEN! 

I Dream of...Hubby

A few night ago I had a dream about my future husband.  I think it was a dream from God.  I wish I would have written this sooner, while it was fresh in my mind, but I'll do my best to recall the details.

In the dream, I was at a church function in Pella, but not a specific place I actually know of.  I noticed a guy passionately worshipping God, near me and we began talking.  He was attractive, in his own special way.  He was a white guy laugh (smiles), he had disheveled hair that was longish--but not ponytail long.  I don't want to say he was a sloppy dresser, but he definitely had his own laid-back style.

We began talking and it just felt like we were divinely being drawn to each other.  He would say something that sparked me saying something, and so on.  It felt like I'd known him my whole life, I felt so close to him, and we connected at SUCH a spiritual level.  It was beyond any physical attraction; it was nothing lustful--just such a divine connection.  I'd never "clicked' with someone like this before.  He just ate up everything I said, and I, hung on his every word.  It was obvious that everything I felt for him, he was feeling the same way about me.  It was like a mirrored image, as if  we were mimicking each other.

Because I felt so intensely close to him, I wanted to just express myself without bounds.  Usually I have to hold back because my personality can be overwhelming.  I started talking "full on Saraness" when I stopped myself, realizing I just met this guy and I shouldn't lay it all out there and totally be myself.  He had the opposite response--he wanted to hear it all!  "Lay it on me" he said!  It was more than my mind could comprehend that this guy didn't expect me to conform to his likes, or tone down my personality at all!  Where had he been all my life? LOL.

As we were talking, he said it was to be his birthday tomorrow.  I asked if he'd get to celebrate it with his family.  He said something like, "Not unless they drive five hours," alluding to the fact that they did not live near him.  When he said, five hours away, immediately I thought: Kansas City.

Then, in the dream, I flashbacked to an earlier time, where I was in Kansas City, at IHOP (The International House of Prayer) during a worship set.  I SAW HIM.  I thought tonight was the first time I'd ever seen him, but I had seen him before!  In the flashback, I saw him doing a worship song.  He wasn't the worship leader, he was just doing one song as a special testimony.  He was playing solo: singing, playing ukulele, and trying to loop it with a guitar pedal.

Technically, he honestly wasn't the greatest musician, singer, or performer.  It was a little awkward, musically.  I'm sure lots of musicians could out play him, out sing him--but that didn't matter.  He had raw, legit talent.  He wasn't polished at all--he was a little rough around the edges.  What made him stand out though, was his incredibly passionate heart, that was on fire and completely in love and devoted to the Master!  He wasn't there to impress people, he was worshipping for an audience of One.  There was such a purity about him, a relentless pursuit, an incredible authenticity in his every utterance.  I had seen him.  But this was the first time we'd been introduced.

The dream goes back to where it began, with us talking.  That's all I remember from the dream.  I didn't see beyond this meeting.  I didn't see if he asked me on a date.  I didn't see a progression of the relationship.  Yet, I woke up, exclaiming, ''I just had a dream about my future husband!"  I didn't need to dream the rest of it up, because I had such a intense clarity that he was the man God had for me.  I had absolutely zero doubts.  And I wasn't saying in a puppy dog way, "Ohmigosh, he's the one!!" like a lovesick teen.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew...it was him.  I had the peace of God sitting on my heart, and no doubt was allowed to enter.

Beyond the dream, I can still picture what he looked like.  It's no one I recognized from IHOP, or anyone currently in my life.  I think that's beyond the point.  I don't think God was giving me a dream, showing me this specific guy as being what my husband will look like--or that he'll specifically come from IHOP.  I believe God was showing me, that when He brings this man into my life, we will have a special connection.  Why?  Because it's God ordained.  When I'm with the one God has for me, it won't matter about guys I dated in the past.  I believe him and I will, have the type of connection, like in the dream.

Specifically, two things stick out to me.  The part of the dream where I want to openly be my true self, then stopped myself, ties in my past and future.  In my dating relationships, I've always had to withhold myself at times because I was too loud, too opinionated, too overwhelming, etc.  For so long the devil had me convinced, I'd have to change for a guy, because I was just "too much."  But God is fighting back and saying loudly, "NO!  You are not too much, and the man I have for you, Sara, will not think you are too much to handle.  He will love you exactly how you are.  You won't have to hold back anymore."  Whoa!  AMEN to that one!

 This dream, I do believe and receive that it's from God.  I don't necessarily think my future husband will look just like the guy in the dream, or hail from Kansas City.  But, we will have that closeness like we've always known each other, and that's something so precious for me to look forward to.  I will trust in the Lord, while I'm waiting.

Being Chased by the Spirit of Perversion

As Christians, have you ever noticed when you are trying to pursue a deeper Walk with the Lord, there is that opposition, trying to knock you out?  When we ask God for help with something, He usually doesn't give us exactly what we asked for, but rather the opportunity to walk it out.  For example, if I'm asking God to purify myself, He probably won't magically clear out all the unclean cupboards in my life--but rather, He'll put me in situations where I can actively choose the right and true option.

I want to share a story that really stirred me up and forced me to question the way I conduct myself.  May I preface this with saying that generally, I consider myself fairly conservative.  I'm full of flaws, but I certainly don't live a life of a party girl or one of promiscuity.  Every now and then I'd maybe wear a shirt that was a little sexy, but being a bigger girl--I've never had a desire to be flashy and show a lot of skin.

Several weeks ago, in the evening I went to run a few errands around town by myself.  I left the house with no make-up on, wearing my glasses, and a casual summer dress.  The length of the dress fell below my knees & I had on flip flops.  It was a v-neck dress, so I had on a tank-top underneath to conceal the goods.  The dress was not sexy or tight or alluring at all.  I didn't think twice about leaving the house looking how I did.

First I went to the gas station to pump gas.  As I was standing there pumping gas, a car with a male driver drove by and turned at the stoplight.  His eyes were GLUED on me, and watched me as he slowly drove by--instead of watching the road!    It was an older car, not in good condition, a dark colored vehicle.  It creeped me out, but I didn't think much of it.  I saw he pulled into the McDonald's drive-up as I was leaving to return my DVD at the grocery store nearby.

I drove to the grocery store to return my redbox DVD, but the screen said it was full and could not receive any returns.  So the closest place was the McDonald's where the kiosk was inside.  As my car pulled into the parking lot, I saw that same car exiting the drive-through lane.  His car was pointing to exit the parking lot all together, but then he recognized my vehicle as the one he'd been watching at the gas station moments before, so his car paused to see what I was going to do.  I parked, and went inside to return the movie.  I prayed he'd be gone when I was ready to leave because it was getting dark out, and this guy's behavior was suspicious.

I go out the door and I immediately see this guy has parked his car right by the exit door, so I have to walk right beside his vehicle to get to mine in the parking lot.  His window was rolled down, and I quickly walked past his vehicle and got into mine.  I locked the doors and looked at his license plate, which I texted the license plate number to my sister in case I got abducted.

I went to leave the parking lot and it looked like he was going to follow me.  I didn't want to drive home and have him follow me, knowing where I lived.  So instead, I went the opposite way, following a road out of town.  He eventually turned off and I it was a sigh of relief!  I'd been praying the whole time and felt really threatened.

I got on the highway to drive to a nearby town to do some shopping.  I felt somewhat freaked out after what happened, but I prayed while I drove and figured the rest of the evening would be uneventful.  I drove into the JC Penney's parking lot, about thirty minutes before the store would close.  Immediately as I pulled into the lot, I noticed a cluster of three of four cars, full of guys, parked closely so they could talk.  This group of guys noticed me and I felt a bunch of eyes upon my back as I went to walk inside the store.  I prayed to God they would be gone by the time I left the store.

I was in the store about twenty minutes, but when I went to walk to my car, the guys in the cars we're talking loudly and when they saw me walking to my car, they all got quiet and stared at me!  It was such a horrible, gross feeling as I stood there, innocent and minding my own business and these guys were lusting after me!  I wanted to get a drink at the gas station across the street, but was afraid they'd follow me over there.  But I'd rather be thirsty and safe, then sorry!

I hadn't eaten supper either so I wanted to stop and get a sandwich at Subway, but my spirit told me not to stop there!  I decided to head back towards home, but first I stopped at a store to grab a snack.  There were a couple guys in the parking that gave me weird looks again.  I grabbed some snacks and went to the checkout line, where there was a guy checking out.  As soon as I stood behind him in line, a man got behind me in line, standing very very close to me.  I was uncomfortable, so stepped closer to the guy in front.  This guy behind me said to me, "So, how you doing tonight?" in one of the deepest, scariest voices.  I looked away and said "Just fine."  The cashier even seem surprised he tried to initiate conversation with me.  I paid and quickly got out of there.

I felt so disgusting and disturbed in my spirit!  As I drove home, God revealed to me that the spirit of lust and perversion was trying to chase me!  It started when I was pumping gas, then incident after incident.  I felt dirty, like I wanted to go home and take a shower to wash the scum off me!  Those guys were looking at me with such lust in their hearts, and that grieves the Father's heart!

So often I think we are unaware of what's going on around us, or how we can easily impact or influence others.  Here I was, dressed totally appropriate and got unwanted attention from unclean spirits, and that's not cool with me.  It made me question the way I choose to dress, and what messages are sent about me as a person, just by my outer appearance.

I rebuke the spirit of perversion and the spirit of lust trying to chase or consume me, in the name of Jesus!  Just because I am choosing a life of purity doesn't mean the enemy can mess with me!  Satan is under my feet, and you know what?  I am stronger in my spirit than those evil spirits that try to attach to me.  Why?  Because the Holy Spirit dwells within me, and within all of us who believe!  Stay strong, knowing you too, can walk in purity and cast away anything unclean that tries to reach you.